Perplexed by the way my hands shivered with excitement, I found the answer: I hadn’t written about The Plankton with a Hairpiece in ages. The senior senator from Florida has of late been a perspicacious commenter on the alleged fracas between a white supremacist supporter and the two men who assaulted him as the so-called Cuban Confederate “canvassed” in Hialeah on a Sunday night. Locals know this story makes as much sense as reading about my canvassing in The Villages for Donald Trump at the same time — what would be the point? The story is complicated; the motives are opaque. But opacity and expediency have ever been The Plankton’s most oft-used tools.
Headed toward a possible victory over the much more capable Val Demings (in every sense: were she running in 1986 she’d be a moderate conservative), the Plankton talks like a man several points behind but will be damned if he allows someone purportedly on his side call him dickless again. Behold his performance at his so-called press conference yesterday.
He also alluded to U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband, Paul Pelosi, who was attacked early Friday morning in a home invasion with a hammer by an attacker who authorities said was shouting, “Where is Nancy?” While he condemned the attack, Rubio appeared to say focusing attention on Monzon’s past would be like drawing attention to Paul Pelosi’s DUI arrest back in August.
“We don’t know the motive, but he was attacked in his home. If it was politically motivated, it’s a crime and I condemn it. If it wasn’t politically motivated, it’s a crime and I condemn it,” he said of the attack on Pelosi. “He just recently was arrested. I’m not bringing that up. Does he deserve to be beaten in his home because he has a previous arrest a few months ago? No, he doesn’t.”
See what he did there? Richard Nixon perfected this strategy: “Now, I am not suggesting that Lyndon Johnson is a Communist. However…”
In other countries the attempted assassination of the second most powerful person in a constitutional system would trigger collective horror from members of even this person’s political party (you can’t ask the media to hurl a j’accuse when Pelosi’s party isn’t doing it, a commenter on one of the message boards I visit mordantly remarked); but I’m not seeing the Dems accuse their enemies of fomenting assassination. It’s not happening. Hence stuttering cretins like The Plankton allowed to suck up air time.
Humanizing The Vacuum 