Having a couple drinks with a friend, I forgot about this boondoggle. Let’s give it a shot, pun intended.
11 p.m. Marco Rubio croaks nonsense about American porch lights getting switched on again when he’s president.
10:57. Saints preserve us, Ben Carson recites the Preamble to the Constitution, and I hold my breath, as one would on knowing the man memorized it in front of his dressing room mirror.
10:55. “On Sept. 11, my wife was two blocks from the World Trade Center,” Chris Christie intones in his closing statement.
10:48. “We’re blessed with tremendous energy in this nation,” Ben Carson said after awakening from a refreshing nap.
10:45. For the third time in half an hour, Jeb Bush mentions Donald Trump. Separation anxiety, they call it. He has no existence apart from Trumping Bag.
10:43. Rand Paul says the CEO of a company would be fired for behavior like Bill Clinton’s: admitting to a consensual affair with a woman.
10:39. Chris Christie: “All of us can take ISIS out.”
10:36. Tapping his finger on the podium, Marco Rubio says he will “cancel” the Iran agreement his first day in office, presumably on his first day as the manager of a baseball memorabilia store in 2017. He is confident “other nations” will “choose” “the United States of America” “over” Iran.
10:30. When Rand Paul speaks movingly about getting drug offenders out of jail and scoffing at the platoon of sadists onstage who consider Vlad the Putin Vlad the Impaler, he then speaks passionately about the Tenth Amendment and throwing the poor to the mercy of the platoon of sadists onstage who may show charity.
10:18. Marco Rubio is such a bimbo that when asked if he’s still the GOP savior and he says, of course, “The only savior is Jesus Christ,” the applause is tepid. He even fucked up a simple line about Bernie Sanders as qualified to be president of Sweden.
10:16. Wait — did Hillary Clinton say she wants to put Barack Obama on the Supreme Court?
10:13. With Donald Trump gone, the GOP candidates look like the shriveled, shrill sadists they always were and without the bombast. Clarity!
10:10. Every time a Republican candidate quotes John Adams’ “Facts are stubborn things,” I want to hit these guys with the Constitution and say, “My aim is a stubborn fucking thing, buddy.”
10:06. So weird to hear Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio argue about who was more wrong about immigration and “amnesty” when their positions are the same.