11:24 p.m. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HISTORY
11:16 p.m. You know what’s embarrassing? Renee Zellweger wins her second Oscar, and, worse, the second Oscar puts her in the rare category of Supporting and Best Actress winners, but no one will remember either win.
11:06 p.m. So Olivia Colman appears to remind us how amusing she was winning Best Actress last year. I expect Joaquin Phoenix to win. Phoenix wins. He mentions queer rights, indigenous, and immigrant rights — “we’ve become very disconnected from the natural world,” he says. And he mentions his long dead brother River Phoenix.
10:54 p.m. HOLY SHIT. Bong Joon-ho wins Best Director, deservedly beating Sam Mendes overlooking 1917.
10:48 .m. Elton John and Bernie Taupin win Best Song, and Elton John is clearly, powerfully moved.
10:40 p.m. Sigourney Weaver takes the lead for Best Original Score. My friends and I debate how marvelous and unusual an actress Weaver remains: a Yale-educated actress who can handle comedy and drama but denied the chance to demonstrate the measure of her range.
10:26 p.m. Penelope Cruz hands Best International Feature Film to Bong Jong-hoo, who’s ready to drink, accepting the suspicion that he won’t win any more awards.
10:21 p.m. I took a break. What happened?
9:53 p.m. Roger Deakins wins for 1917, the real director, for nothing exists: no judgments, no drama, no Benedict Cumberbatch.
9:37 p.m. Oscar Isaac and Salma Hayek wonder why no one will have sex with Isaac. Ford v. Ferrari wins Best Sound Editing.
9:30 p.m. Why is uh Eminem relieving his imperial phase? Oh, yes, right. The audience looks as if Roy Orbison’s playing an Ozzy song.
9:17 p.m. It’s Best Supporting Actress time. Sorry — I have a Jennifer Lopez jones, sorry. Mahershala Ali hands the trophy to Laura Dern for Marriage Story. Parents Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern, nominated twice, respectively, have never won.
9:09 p.m. Mark Ruffalo, my Secret Boyfriend after Jake Gyllenhaal (shh), presents Best Documentary Feature. American Factory wins! No Obamas in sight! https://wp.me/pzXeC-aRP
9:01 p.m. Jacqueline Durran wins Best Costume Design for Little Women, likely the only award it will win now that Greta Gerwig lost Best Original Screenplay.
8:56 p.m. Giggling and smirking through dresses, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph finish their inscrutable performances to present Best Production Design to Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.
8:47 p.m. Shia LaBeouf and Zack Gottsagen present Live Action Short Film. The Neighbor’s Window wins.
8:43 p.m. Natalie Portman and my boyfriend Timothée Chalamet present Best Adapted Screenplay. Taika Waititi will be remembered for writing JoJo Rabbit, Hollywood’s idea of uproarious Hitler comedy porn.
8:39 p.m. Parasite wins Best Original Screenplay!
8:38 p.m. Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves! They remind me of one of the worst decisions in pop cinema of the last 30 years: she hooked up with pompous, pot-bellied viejo Jack Nicholson and ignored him. They present Best Original Screenplay.
8:31 p.m. “Into the Unknown” is sung by an Epcot Worldcase menagerie of singers. This is what Disney wants for product like Frozen II
8:27 p.m. Hair Love wins. Why do you think the subject matters to me, hm.
8:23 p.m. “Your teeth are fucked up, but I love you,” said a friend about Mindy Kaling, blowing kisses at the screen. The presenter hands the Oscar to Toy Story 4 for Best Animated Feature Film; it wins despite the backlash.
8:17 p.m. So Al Pacino’s last Oscar will be for Scent of a Woman.
8:11 p.m. Regina King walks up to present Best Supporting Actor. Al Pacino’s shouting wakes up the theater. To no one’s surprise, it’s Brad Pitt’s bare pecs sparkling happily on the roof of a house in Once Upon a Time in America, wearing a mullet, beating Al Pacino in The Mullet.
8:08 p.m. Jeff Bezos sits next to Timothée Chalamet’s stunt double.
8:06 p.m. Conscious that this ship has no captain, Chris Rock and Steve Martin try to compensate with Iowa caucus jokes.
8:03 p.m. Keanu Reeves looks confused as Monae waddles the Midsommar drag.
8:01 p.m. Janelle Monae, wearing what looks like angora, sings the Mr. Rogers theme in the same LOOK AT ME HERE I AM attitude she brought to Harriet.
7:59 p.m. We have red and wine here. Join us. We’ll need’em.
7:53 p.m. Hi! We’re doing this. Testing the equipment and the murder of acolytes.