Golden Globes — ‘I’m done’ edition

Loath as I am to give the Hollywood Foreign Press free publicity and without even the benefit of being bought off for the price of a salted peanut, I’ve decided to live blog the Golden Globes because why not. Having seen most of the nominated films helps. My wine glass is full and the coffee awaits.

11:02. Harrison Ford cannot contain his self-loathing and loathing for the people in the audience, and why not, for The Revenant wins Best Picture.

10:55. Scrunchy Face wins. The applause more enthusiastic than for Denzel Washington. He thanks Iñárritu for his “acute attention.”

10:52. Brie Larson wins for her good turn as a mother in distress in Room. “You’re such an incredible bunch of people!” she chirps about the Hollywood Foreign Press, and she didn’t sound like Tracy Flick.

10:51. Yet another trans joke from Ricky Gervais.

10:43. “Comedy?” Ridley Scott asks, correctly, after The Martian wins Best Picture in this category. I get the impression that Scott meant to dismiss Star Wars: The Force Awakens for beating The Martian in the fall box office returns, but he wants the work.

10:40. Tobey Maguire can fit in one’s coat pocket, right?

10:33. “You make movies as if you think no one will see them,” Best Actress (Comedy) winner Jennifer Lawrence said to her director David O. Russell.

10:22. Alejandro González Iñárritu will never go away. First allusion to Scrunchy Face aka Leonardo DiCaprio tonight. Because his movies are arduous and star men in crisis and all that, he incarnates how Hollywood wants to view itself. At any rate his Stories For Boys would be compelling shorn of 90 minutes and their yen for suffering.

10:21. I admire Morgan Freeman’s “fuck this shit” attitude towards the Best Director category.

10:19. Introducing Spotlight, Chris Evans debuts fabulous hair. What is going on tonight

10:14. Denzel Washington’s shambles of an acceptance speech reminded me of co-star Gene Hackman: so selfless is their devotion to craft that they don’t exist as normal people, so when they fumble in public it’s doubly touching.

10:04. Tom Hanks, suffering from the cold that afflicted his lawyer in Bridge of Spies, can do little with the most sententious kind of speech honoring Denzel Washington, recipient of the Cecil B. DeMille Award. Five points for pronouncing “gestalt” correctly and without strain.

9:55. Ricky Gervais pronounces Mel Gibson’s first name so that it sounds like “Mao.”

9:53. Winning Best Song for his awful James Bond anthem, Sam Smith looks like he wants his way with co-writer Jimmy Napes.

9:49. Nick Davis: “You can tell which men in the audience are gay, easily, plain as day, based on how they’re watching Gael [Garcia Bernal] make his way to the podium.”

9:44. I love how directors are wonderful human beings, in the words of Golden Globe winner Lady Gaga, for guiding them towards an awards ceremony. Jokes aside, Gaga looks genuinely thunderstruck.

9:42. Among the many affronts these actors must endure: drinking champagne all night. Is there an open bar in the building?

9:38. Apparently Helen Mirren is the only actress over sixty allowed to be a sexual person.

9:34. Gael Garcia Bernal onstage winning something. First Oscar Isaac, now Bernal what is going on tonight

9:30. Richard Nixon said about George H.W. Bush: he’s not a president, he’s someone you appoint to things. Aaron Sorkin isn’t a screenwriter, he’s a person who smears bitchy lines.

9:27. Cutaway to Patrick Wilson, the second of the evening, stuffing his face and thinking of me while listening to Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell bellyflop.

9:21. Did Stallone forget to thank Michael B. Jordan and Ryan Coogler for co-starring and directing such a strong picture? If so, I missed it.

9:20. Michael Shannon is the only nominated Best Supporting Actor who looks like he wants to do to Sylvester Stallone what Drago did to Apollo Creed.

9:18. Pleased to be reminded that even in clips The Big Short is as loud and obvious as I thought.

9:15. Is there a joke I’m missing re Kate Hudson and Kurt Russell presenting together?

9:09. A fourth cutaway to Ridley Scott, this time during Matt Damon’s speech after winning Best Actor (Comedy) for The Martian, and each time he looks like he’s watching the results of a colonoscopy.

9:07. Has any modern actor done as much to undermine his own considerable handsomeness than Christian Bale for such piddling ends?

9:05. “Here are some highlights from Trainwreck,” says Jennifer Lawrence, not referring to the evening.

8:57. Oscar Isaac and Jon Hamm blending together into slick glistening handsomeness. Ten points off for Hamm’s mystifying Chumbawumba crack.

8:53. Hey, guys, Quentin Tarantino is about to talk, and he used “ghetto” to refer to the composer category. Jamie Foxx was not pleased.

8:52. It took Jamie Foxx to mention the omission of Straight Outta Compton.

8:49. “Mr. Robot” an apt phrase to describe my beloved Christian Slater’s looks

8:47. Lady Gaga has taken to the gaseous rhythms of award introductions ominously well. The Madonna comparisons make sense at last: to prove she was an actress, Madonna gave the most throwaway lines Proper Actress intonations.

8:40: How is it possible that Patrick Wilson has had only one reaction shot?

8:39. How is it possible that Oscar Isaac has had only one reaction shot?

8:36. Orlando Bloom looks like he swam out off a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, as one would after being introduced as a star in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie for the last fourteen years.

8:33. When the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press ruminates about the power of film to do something or other about violence and intolerance and Brad Pitt sagely nods, I understand Ricky Gervais’ contempt.

8:23. I don’t watch TV comedy.

8:15. “As the woman dealing with the emotional fallout from her husband’s affair” — every soap opera ever. I treasure Maura Tierney, a winner for the imaginatively titled “The Affair,” from her “E.R.” days.

8:14. Defeated by her leaden introduction, Jennifer Lopez shrugs her shoulders on camera.

8:11. Kate Winslet wins Best Supporting Actress of Steve Jobs for wearing thick glasses and acting distinctly un-Winslet-ish. Her simulation of surprise upon hearing her name is more convincing. Michael Fassebender flashes brilliant supporting teeth.

8:09. Channing Tatum’s hair looks like Land O Lakes is holding it in place.

8:05: The Hollywood “community” does not like Roman Polanski jokes.

8:04. First Pointed Cutaway: Harvey Weinstein, chuckling at a lame joke about studios buying Golden Globe awards.

8:03. First Pointless Cutaway: Patrick Stewart, chuckling at a lame NBC joke that Dave Letterman made nightly about CBS. However, Queen Latifah is not amused.

8:01. Ricky Gervais makes the evening’s first Sena Penn-El Chapo joke.

7:59. Boy, is Matt Lauer acting as if he’s eyeing the bar out of the corner of his eye.

7:53. Kirsten Dunst in Fargo, “gorgeous and extremely talented” in that order.

7:50. Willie Geist interviews Rooney Mara, nominated in Best Actress (Drama) for Carol, in one of the few examples in recent years of the Hollywood Foreign Press’ wisdom by not succumbing to category fraud. No reference to the plot of her film, despite the lesbianism, known to excite straight men.

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